Teenage Wasteland
by mrgonkus
Summary: A Relaunch of my Fic South Park Stories. Following the Life and Antics of James Robertson and his friends in the small mountain town. Life, Love, and Shennanigans.
1. Prologue

Prologue: Wasted Youth

_A Wasted Youth is Better by far than a Wise and Productive Old Age_

There's nowhere I'd rather be but here.

_Please allow me to introduce myself; I'm a man of wealth and taste._

My Name is James Robertson. I'm not from around here. Well, not really. Thing is right, I was born in Scotland, but I ended up here? I'm just a normal kid flung into an environment that is just...well... weird! My life was normal, boring you might say, until I was eight. Then came the biggest upheaval of my life. From Scotland I came here. To South Park. I couldn't understand it. Why? My mum was given a job at Colorado State at Fort Collins. First we moved to Denver. We lived there for about a year. Worst year of my life, I tell you. The kids at school bullied me mercilessly because I was different. It came to the point that point blank refused to go to school. That was all the excuse mum needed. She'd been wanting to get out of Denver for a while. Too noisy, too dirty. Mum got a new job at Boulder Uni, and we moved. I wanted to go home instead we came here. South Park, Colorado. It was so different. The fields seemed to go forever.

_  
The skies were pure, and the fields were green, the sun was brighter than it's ever been._

I couldn't ask for better.

I remember that morning like it was yesterday. Engraved on my mind. I was bound up against the cold, my mind racing. What would they say? Would they make fun of my accent? What if they didn't like me?  
A sea of faces all staring at me. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want this.

Mr. Garrison smiled encouragingly. "Why don't you tell us a bit about yourself, James?" he coaxed.

I shot him a baleful look. The moment I opened my mouth, the boys in Denver were been merciless.

"Does he speak? I mean, he'd better, coz we don't need any more retards in the class. He looks like a retard. Just look at him!" There was a fat boy in the middle who had a nasty look on his face. I flinched and pulled my scarf up.

"Shut up, Fat Ass, leave the poor kid alone." A kid a few desks along yelled at the fat kid. He had shaggy ginger hair wedged under a green ushanka. He was glaring at the fat boy vindictively. I panicked. I'd started them fighting amongst each other.

"Fuck you, Jew!" the fat boy snapped back at the Ushanka boy. I was shocked. These kids were different. Saying stuff like that? Swearing? In class? In Front of the Teacher? What was this place?

"Eric, shut your lard ass up!" Mr. Garrison snapped. The Fat Boy scowled and muttered to himself. "And that's enough of your Anti-Semitism, you little bastard! Go on, James." I shook my head firmly. "Aw, C'mon, don't be such a pussy!" Now the Teacher was swearing? What was going on here? I pulled my scarf over my nose and shot a scared look at him.

"Well done Cartman, you've scared the poor kid!" A kid with a blue Chullo had a very ugly look on his face and was staring at the fat kid whom he was addressing.

"What is your problem? You always do this to new Kids, Cartman! Can't you be nice just once?" A girl with black hair and a pink beret snapped at Cartman.

I dropped my head and stared at my feet. I felt really uncomfortable and nervous now. I felt guilty that they had started fighting amongst themselves. Now they'll really hate me, I thought.

"Alright, alright, stop it! James, are you sure you don't want to tell us about yourself?" I raised my eyebrows slightly, as is to say 'Are you joking?' Mr. Garrison took the hint. "Alright then, go sit in the spare desk next to Stan." He pointed to a desk next to a boy who wore a red poofball hat. Here Goes, I thought, time to face music. Now for the Gauntlet run. I slowly and self-consciously made my way across the classroom to the desk next to Red-Poofball-Hat-Kid. At least I was behind Cartman, so that couldn't be too bad, right? I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise as everyone in the class watched me traverse the room and sit down. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the Fat Kid Cartman mutter something to a kid sitting next to him wearing an orange parka. For a brief moment, I toyed with the idea of smacking Fat boy in the face, but it briefly passed. After all, I didn't want to end up back in the Principal's office, less than half an hour after she was welcoming me to the school.

Red-Poofball-Hat-Kid turned to me and smiled.

"Hey Dude. You okay?"

I shot a glance at Garrison. He was too busy introducing the lesson for the day. I slowly nodded.

"Just scared, huh?"

Again, I nodded.

The boy frowned slightly "You do speak, right?"

Nod, Nod.

"But you're nervous 'cause your new, huh?"

Nod, Nod.

"I'm Stan"

Another glance towards Garrison. He was going on about Halle Berry, or something. "I-I-I'm... James" I stuttered. Stan smiled. There was a voice to my right.

"Hey Man, don't let that Fat Fuck push you around." It was a black kid. In fact, THE black kid. The only black kid in the class. I gave him and Stan a small smile "I'm Token. Your name's James, right?"

"Uh, yeah."  
There was a roar from the front of the class "Token is there something you'd like to share with the class?" Garrison was looking pretty pissed that Token had interrupted his discourse about Halle Berry's Ass.

"Sure Mr. G, I was telling James not to take shit from Fat Boy"

"AY, DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU BLACK SONNOVABITCH!"

Garrison turned on the Fat Boy. "ERIC! Get your sorry fat ass down to the Principal's office right now!"

There was huge roars of laughter from the rest of class. I was right. This class was different.

I managed to last most of the morning without having to say anything, until Cartman made me target practice for his paper wads when he got back from the principal's office. The first couple of times, I ignored, but then it got annoying. Stop it, I mouthed angrily at Cartman. The paper wads just kept coming. I tell you now friends, I'm not known for keeping my cool.

"STOP IT, FATBOY!" I roared. There was the briefest second of silence then the entire class burst out laughing. My Anger turned to embarrassment, and I buried my head in my arms. But then -

"Ha Ha Cartman, you got ripped on by the new kid!" laughed Stan So they weren't laughing at me after all. That made me feel much better.

Just then came the lunch bell. Saved by the bell. A stampede towards the door ensued, as I slowly packed up my stuff into my bag. Just when I thought I was all alone with my thoughts, I heard a small cough. Looking up I saw a small group. There was Stan, looking concerned. Next to him the beret girl, and on Stan's other side was Green Ushanka and the boy wearing the orange Parka. Next to Pink Beret was a girl with blonde frizzy hair, and behind them was Token, standing with Chullo hat boy and a boy with brown hair and a red coat. Then next to them were two blonde boys; a jittery one who was nervous looking and looked like he'd had too much coffee (good guess on my part there, huh?). The other blonde has short tufty hair and was dead smiley. Next to them was a boy on Crutches.

"You Okay? asked Stan.

"Yeah"

"Hey, don't let Cartman push you around."

"That was really cool how you shouted at him" said Green Ushanka. "You totally took him by surprise." he laughed.

The others in the group laughed in agreeance. I grinned. Maybe these kids were so bad after all?

"I'll introduce you everyone." he turned to Green Ushanka "This is my Best friend Kyle-"

"Hey Dude" Kyle grinned

"- and that's Kenny next to him" Stan pointed to Orange Parka "Mmf mmm!" Said Kenny.

Stan must've caught the confused look on my face because he said "he says 'Hey Dude!' "

"Kenny's the poor kid" Chullo cut in.

Kenny gave Chullo an angry look. "Mmmf mmm mmmm!" Obviously, he didn't like to be reminded about that fact that he was poor. Chullo flipped Kenny off. A ripple of laughter spread through the group.

"This is my girlfriend, Wendy-" Stan continued, joining hands with Pink Beret. He's got a girlfriend? I thought, He's only nine!

"Hi James" Wendy Smiled "-and that's Bebe next to Wendy.-"

"Hi, nice to meet you"

"-You met Token already-"

Token grinned at me "Hey man"

"and that's Craig-" he pointed at Chullo boy.

"Uh Hi"

"-And Clyde-"

"Hey" Clyde grinned

"That's Butters over there-" pointing to Smiley Blonde "Hello" Butters' smile grew larger

"-And Tweek-"

Jittery jumped at hearing his name "ACK! Hello"

"-and finally, that's Jimmy over there"

Crutches gave e a big lop-sided grin and said "H-h-hi bud, nice to meet you!"

Kyle spoke up "Forget about the Fat Ass dude, he's just an asshole. He does this all the time to new kids. Anyway, If we don't move soon there's gonna be nothing left for lunch!" There was a murmur of agreement from the others. 'You can sit with us guys, dude"

Wendy said "Why don't you take that stuff off so we can see you properly?"

I felt really self conscious as I pulled off my hat and scarf. I heard "Oh"s and then Kyle said "Hey I remember now, I recognise you, I saw you move in yesterday! You live near me."

I Smiled as I walked towards the group, heading out for lunch.

6 years later, I'm still here. South Park, Colorado. Six years, I've lived here. Does that count as growing up here? I Dunno. Some of the town's longer residents, even some of my friends don't think that much of this place. Redneck, Pissant, White Trash, Backwater, One-Horse, Hick town. Just some of the colourful names used to describe this town. Fuck 'Em. I love this Shit Hole, Country Bumpkin, Tumbleweed town. It ain't as busy as Denver, where we lived for a year before arriving in Park County, and the people aren't half half as retarded as some of the creatures that infest the schemes back home in Scotland. They're weird, I'll give 'em that, but in a god way, I 'spose. These kids didn't judge me, The townsfolk didn't judge us. That more than anything made me feel welcome, made me feel at home.

*****************************************************************  
**

**HURR HURR HURR!  
I be back, bitches. So this is the relaunch of SPS! There's a relaunch party in my pants and you're all invited. :D Yeah the first couple of chapters will be pretty much the same as they were last time, except, this time I'm gonna consolidate about 3 or 4 chapters into one.  
Also, I'm gonna be using O/Cs, so here's the submit form:**

**  
Name:  
Age: (James is 15, btw)  
Gender: male Appearance: (what they look like and clothes)  
Likes:  
Dislikes:  
Friends:  
Other/Personality:**


	2. Three Little Birds

2. Three Little Birds

_Don't Worry. About a Thing. 'Cause every little thing. Is gonna be alright._

I woke up with a start, the sound a thousand explosions offending my ears. Well, that's what it sounded like, anyway. It took me a moment to work out that it was in fact music. I slowly opened my eyes as some trademark Herman Li shredding greeted me to the new day. DragonForce isn't everybody's idea for an alarm clock, but it works for me. That way I have no chance of going back to sleep. If I turn over and fall asleep again, then I'll waste half the day. I stretched my arm down the side of the bed and grabbed something. My Hairy Haggis plushy, it reminds me of home. I flung it in the general direction of where the noise was coming from, which was my Mac (I use iTunes for my Alarm Clock, it's Kick-ass. Yesterday I decided on a change and woke up to Bob Marley. This is why I was late for school.) Grabbing the nearest thing to hand, my Hairy Haggis plushy, I hurled it in the general of my Mac. Suddenly there was a distinct lack of DragonForce. That's done it, I smiled. The music stopped suddenly. Right on the mark, I thought as I rolled out of bed. I yawned and groped for my phone on the floor. Hmm, several missed calls. Lucy, Token, Kenny. One text. From John B. Wait, What the fuck does _that_ say? I keep telling him that I don't do text talk. "Ttly stkd, gt splhcb orig lp. Cum ova" Dude seriously? I stretched my tired body and shuffled over to the window to look out to the beautiful Colorado morning.

_Woke up this morning, smile with the rising sun. three little birds stood by my doorstep.  
_

I ran my hand through my messy brown hair, which had gone really curly this morning. Usually, it's straighter, but it needs cut, so it's gone curly. It hunted around for some clean clothes and pulled on my favourite Ramones t-shirt. I headed down stairs to get some breakfast. No one around. My parents will be out already.

_Singing Sweet song, of Melodies pure and true, Singing "This is My Message To you"_

Happy as Larry, I was munching my way through some toast, when the phone rang. I pulled it out my pocket, and looked at the screen. "Lucille" it read. I grinned. I didn't answer the phone just yet; instead I pulled out my iPod and flipped to the playlists. I sniggered as I opened a playlist entitled "Songs to Annoy Lucy with" There's not many song on it but there is a central theme. "Lucille" by The Drifters, "Lucy in the sky with Diamonds" by The Beatles, you get the idea. I jammed the earphones against the phone, and simultaneously hit Play and Answer. I heard a faint "Hello?" over the music. It took a bit longer than usual for the reaction to kick in, but sure enough, seconds later there was an explosion of noise from the other end of the line. I laughed maniacally 'til I heard the single tone. Another one to chalk up on the scorecard. Lucy and I wind each other up like this all the time. It's great fun. It wasn't long 'til I heard my phone ringing for the second time. I grinned and hit the answer button.

"I actually think I hate you." the voice fumed,

"Why, good morning to you too, Miss Montgomery, are you well?"

"I will get you back for that James."

"Eh, sucks to be you."

"So, what're you up to?"

"Well, I was having breakfast until _someone_ rudely interrupted me."

"Pfft, get over yourself. So that's why you didn't answer me earlier. You're so lazy you know that? It's nearly the afternoon."

"It's twenty past ten thank you" I replied acidly.

"Still lazy"

"Yeah well we're not all insomniac freaks like Tweek."

"Shaddup Scotty, Tweek's my clandestine lover"

"Shaddup yerself, New York Yankee. I'll tell Craig."

Lucy gasped "OhMyGod, OhMyGod! Guess What!"

"Jesus Christ, Calm yerself'. What?"

"It's Me and Craig's One year anniversary tod-"

A Pause.

"Umm, Luce?"

Then -

"Bugs, I swear to god you better not be ANYWHERE near that hammer again."

Ah, dear sweet darling Bugs. Barbara Vivica Montgomery, the nine year old terror of South Park. Lucy's little sister and the bane of Mr. Mackey and South Park Elementary in general, indeed, the worst thing to happen to this world since Eric Cartman. Calling Bugs a bit of a tomboy is understating things MAJORLY. Hammers to Bugs are like children and E-numbers. They love coming together, but the results are devastating.

I smirked to myself. "All I can say is thank god I'm the youngest."

"She is so stressing me out right now. I'm gonna kill her."

"Anyway, you were saying it's you and Craig's 1 year?"

Lucy squealed.

"YEAH! He's taking me out to dinner and a movie in Denver!" (Craig Tucker has mellowed way too much in his old age. He doesn't flip people off very often any more. It's probably Lucy's fault. Hell, I'll just blame it on Lucy.)

"God damn it, it's your fault Luce!"

"What?"

Shit, I thought out loud again. I gotta stop doing that!

"I said that's Kick Ass, Luce."

"Err…"

"What?"

"Thought you said something else."

"Bad phone line"

"You live two streets away."

"Heavy sno- I mean, eh, we're up in the mountains after all."

God damn it, get a hold of yourself, man!

"'Kay, you're a weirdo."

"No, you're a towel!"

Lucy burst out laughing.

"Oh here, I got a really cryptic text from John B. D'you know what he's going on about?"

"Nah, Dunno"

"Egh, Ah munna head over there see what he's going on about."

"Cools. You know where I'll be, right?"

Tweak Bros coffee house. The eight wonder of the world, my friends.

"Yup. The usual place. I'll probably drop by after I've been to John's"

"Cool. Laters J"

"Laters L"

No sooner had I finished speaking to Lucy when my phone started ringing again. I looked at the screen. "The Immortal One" it read. Kenny. Y'know, Kenny dying and coming back to life and all that shit? I'm told there's an immortal from the Highlander TV series called Kenny. But that's beside the point.

"Kenneth."

"James"

"Kenneth"

"James" Kenny laughed. "S'appening?"

"No much man, wussappeninwiyoo?"

"I got a gurney dude."

"A gurney? As in a hospital Gurney?"

"Yeah man, me Jess and Lu are racing it down the hill. Care to join us?"

"How did you get hold of a Hospital Gurney?"

"Stole it this morning when I woke up at Hell's pass"

"Mmm, you were pretty nailed at the party last night."

"Heh, so drunk I got hit by a truck on the freeway. God was pretty pissed off."

"I thought God told you to stop dying"

"Meh, I dunno. Are you coming or what?"

"Yeah dude, totally."

_Don't worry, about a thing,  
cause every little thing gonna be all right.  
Singin: don't worry about a thing,  
cause every little thing gonna be all right!_

**

* * *

  
**

**Yeah I know I've recylced some material, but just some. It's going in a different direction this time.**

**FYI: this is from wikipedia, the definition of a gurney:**

_**A gurney, known as a trolley in British medical context, is the U.S. term for a type of stretcher used in modern hospitals and ambulances in developed areas**_

**So Yeah. I'm still accepting O/Cs btw, gonna try and squeeze some more in. more submitted O/Cs will appear next time.**

**Thanks to**

**Kootie Bomb for Lucy**

**and (Briefest of mentions)  
**

**Dnny_By for John B**

**SouthParkCraigLover for Jess**

**Especially Kenny for Lulu  
**


	3. Gasoline

2. Gasoline

I sighed, out of breath as I reached the top of the hill, vaguely hoping that I wouldn't find what I suspected I would find anyway. Sure enough, there was Ken with the offending Gurney. I sighed again, raised my eyes and performed the sign of the cross. I brought my eyes back towards earthly things, and my eyes fell upon the gurney itself on which two of the girls had piled, Jess Skidmore and Lulu Summers.

Jess Skidmore. The Prank Queen of South Park. There isn't a person in the entire town that hasn't been on the receiving end of one of these pranks. Whenever you see the flash of black hair with neon blue streaks running somewhere, it's best to follow, because there's a 75% chance that she's running away from the scene of her crimes. Today, as usual, she was wearing black skinny jeans and her black top with "Born To Prank" on it.

Conversely there's Little Lulu. Shorty. Small Fry. Baby. This is where all the short jokes go. You guessed what I'm driving at yet? Lu and Ken Belong together. I kid you not. They act like they're pretty much married already. Jesus, it get's unbearable sometimes. Lu lives right next door to Ken, and as a result they're pretty much inseparable. Lu's family, like Ken's are poor, but she's doesn't really care. She's pretty protective of him too it's scary! The two blondes they're known as. Golden blonde (Kenny) and spiky (Lu).

"Aight Kids, s'appenin'?"

Wild waving from the chariot.

Kenny grinned. "Now it's a party. I thought you couldn't skate?" he said frowning at the Skateboard in my hand. Truth is I can't. I like to think I can, but I can't. Tried taking up the sport when I was like 12, but the nearest Skate Park is up in Denver. So I gave up, and the board has been sitting in my room ever since. I had a premonition that it would come in handy now.

"Thought it might come in handy the now."

Ken Shrugged "Hop aboard." I clambered on behind Lu.

"Omigod this gunna be awesome!" Lu squealed.

I frowned. "Won't we need some breaks for this thing or we're gonna end up on the road?"

Kenny grinned, "That's the Idea."

There was squealing and scrabbling from in front of me as Lulu suddenly changed her mind about the whole thing upon hearing the latest information.

"Let's go." Kenny said as he gripped the back of the trolley. There was lurch and the trolley rolled forward and Kenny jumped on. My vision was blocked for the next minute and a half by Lulu's breasts as she clung on to me for dear life.

"WE'RE GONNA GET HIT! FUCKSAKEKENNYICAN'TCOMEBACKTOLIFELIKEYOUCAN!" More scrabbling and squealing while I tried to prise her of me. Wasn't easy with her vice grip.

"AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"

"Fuck sake Lu, I can't see a fuckin' thing!"

"Lemme off! Lemme off!"

"Just trust me babe." Kenny said soothingly, whilst helping to prise her off. We finally succeeded in removing the aforementioned girl, only for there to be cursing from the front as Jess became the object of Lulu's attention. There was arm waving from Jess as she unsuccessful tried to grab any part of Lulu.

"Meh, at least my skateboard will come in handy after all." I mused as I hauled Lulu off Jess.-

"SCREAM LIKE IT'S A ROLLERCOASTER!" Kenny roared. That was all the prompting that Lulu needed. My ears will never be the same again.

There was cursing from the front. "Ken, we got a big problem!"

Meters away from us was an old lady walking her dog up the hill. Kenny's eyes widened with shock. "Oh shit." He muttered.

"Hard right, hard right!" I yelled. "Everyone lean over to the right." That wasn't the best idea in the world. The trolley started tipping dangerously.

"Lean the other way, Lean the other way!"

Too late. The trolley tipped over with a crunch, ejecting us all and sending us flying through the air. We landed in a heap several feet away from the trolley, which continued its journey down the hill, gliding past the old lady.

"Well at least we didn't hit her." Kenny said as the lady opened a volley of abuse at us.

"Ow, My Spleen!" I muttered as I Clambered to my feet. "Back up the hill and Start again?"

"Nah we should get 'nough speed from here, hit Main Street 'bout 55, 60. We might even be able to roll right down to Tweek's"

We all piled on and set off again, thundering down the hill, with minimal protest from Lulu.

"We're gonna-"

"Shaddup, Lulu!"

"Brace!" Jess called as we reached the bottom of the hill. There was a thump as the trolley hit the kerb and briefly achieved airborne status, before coming down with a thump and starting its journey down Main Street, nearly hitting Jimbo Kern's 4x4.

"HEY! What the hell are ya doing? Stupid Kids!" Jimbo yelled at us.

"Nnn Those Damn Kids!" Ned complained.

Kenny twisted around flashed them a grin and saluted. The grin didn't last long.

"Aw dude, no way! It's Barbrady."

South Park's Finest, Officer Barbrady. Heh, Did I just use those words to describe Barbrady?

The car pulled alongside the trolley, Barbrady registering shock.

"Uh, Okay, Just what is going on here people?"

Kenny put on has "Charming-young-man" smile and turned to the Law officer.

"Well, uh, you see officer, we heard that, uh, Liane Cartman was feeling really hot today, and, uh, she was giving away free, so, uh, since James here hasn't, uh, y'know, had any-"

"Hey, Fuck you man!" I shouted at Ken.

"-And, uh, us being really good friends, we thought we'd need to, uh, resolve this little problem, you see."

Barbrady's face lit up. "Oh my god, Liane Cartman for free? I gotta go an-"

At that point there was a squeal of breaks and Barbrady disappeared out of sight, as we came to the junction and he had to break to avoid getting mashed in the traffic. God must've been smiling on us, as the trolley sailed through the traffic and continued its journey down the street

"Here, pass me my board." The board was duly passed to me. I clambered to the back, negotiating my way round Kenny ("Ow dude that was my ribs!"), and climbed off, the back. This was going to take skill and perfect timing. I breathed in and dropped the board, then quickly jumped down on to it, with one hand still holding onto the trolley. The trolley continued at its speed towing me along.

"Haha, Yeah!" I punched the air.

"Alright, man!"

"Nice one dude!"

There was a yell from the front.

"Garrison dead ahead!"

"Hehehe. Let's say hello shall we?" Jess grinned.

There he was, our 4th and 5th grade teacher walking along minding his own business. Not for long though.

"HI MR GARRISON!" We chorused.

"What-oh-uh?" he started.

By the time he realised what had happened, we were further down the street, laughing as we rolled towards the coffee shop.

"Ding, ding! Next stop, Tweek's Coffee house, Now Terminating!"

I leaned over, pulling the back of the trolley with me , the trolley rolled into the wall of the coffee house with a bang.

"This thing needed breaks." I muttered as I scooped up my board.

Kenny grinned, "That was wild!"

* * *

**Well, I'm FINALLY Back! Huzzah! I've been waaay to busy with Uni and work. I'm Sorry. :'( Anyways, Thanks to Especially Kenny and SouthparkCraigLover for Lulu and Jess respectively.**

**More O/Cs will be coming in the next chapter.**

**Also, Look, it's James:**

**img33 . imageshack . us / img33 / 1877 / jamesfifteen . jpg**** (take out the spaces)**

**Why not make a avatar of your O/C and take a screenshot then show me it? This is the avatar creator I used:**

**www . sp - studio . de (again take out the space)  
**

**Do It. You know you want to.**


End file.
